Roger and I have long suspected that Benjamin is over tired in the evening and that this tiredness is at the root of the screaming we experience. For a week or so now, we have successfully gotten Ben to nap for some or all of the witching hours. Tonight, I put him in his crib with a pacifier at 8:00 and he’s slept, at 9:00 he needed a diaper change, at 9:09 the pacifier fell out, and now, at 9:18 he’s taken another dose of Gripe Water and is resting comfortably in his crib, not screaming.
There is a LOT to learn about being a parent! The only way to really get to know Benjamin is through trial and error. I spend my whole day trying to figure out who he is, what he needs, and what’s the best thing to do with him. It is the toughest thing I’ve done in my life! People have asked me lately how I am, the real answer is that I’m more myself today than I’ve been in about 11 months. I didn’t enjoy being pregnant, my body reacted in some uncomfortable ways. The only part I enjoyed was feeling Benjamin grow and move inside me. Until recently, I didn’t enjoy being a mom. The recovery from the c-section took a toll on my body that I wasn’t fully aware of, nursing didn’t go well to start, Benjamin was screaming at night, my communication with Roger was strained, and I wasn’t getting enough sleep.
But now I’m feeling like I’m coming into my own as a mom. I’m regaining the confidence I lost when my birth didn’t go the way I hoped it would and I’m learning how to manage and enjoy my days with my son. I think one of the best things I did for myself is learn to take Benjamin with me where I want to go. I learned how to nurse discretely (although I still don’t want to nurse around high school students) and I made a super-transportable diaper bag that I can grab at a moment’s notice. I’m also slowly learning what Benjamin needs and learning to communicate with him successfully. I like guessing what he needs and asking him, “Do you want some food?” or “Is it the diaper?” Amazingly, he seems to recognize these phrases a bit and will calm when I say them.
The next step for me is to get a massage to work out the latent tension I’m carrying in my muscles. That and a regular exercise routine should get me even closer to feeling like my new normal self.
I so know what you mean about not feeling like yourself. I have a lot of days where that is true, and I often wonder when I’ll arrive at “my new normal self” (a good way to put it). Getting enough sleep helps, as does finding a little down time, which doesn’t necessarily have to occur when Charlotte is asleep. I read and watch TV while she nurses, which is quite relaxing.
It sounds like you have a good handle on why you feel the way you do, and I commend your bravery in admitting that you weren’t enjoying motherhood. I often feel like I have to tell people that things are going great even if they aren’t. Even though I wouldn’t trade Charlotte for anything, life with her is very intense in both positive and negative ways.
Intense: that’s how I’d describe motherhood.
Marcie,
You looked great when I saw you at Kildonan today! I am so happy that you are “owning” your new roles. It is great to see you in such a good place.
Lm
Yes, there are many books on the “myth of motherhood” which is that once you have a baby everything is wine and roses. No, that is not the case. Often we feel lonely (for lack of regular conversation), sleep-deprived, ugly, used (for our breast milk), etc. It is the hardest job, and the most unrecognized. The baby is a blessing. No one denies that. But, no matter how much Dad tries, how much time and effort he puts in, the mother is the primary care giver. She/he needs us which leaves us not much time for ourselves. No one bothered to mention that once you have a baby the old you no longer exists. You cannot just go to coffee with a friend, or spend money on yourself with out thinking “I could/should be buying things for the baby!”. I felt mostly that my body did not belong to myself any more. I felt ugly, fat, and yucky (after the c-section is took months to feel normal). Not to mention the lack of sleep and the arguments with my husband. It’s a lot to handle, but something only the family, in private, can figure out together. Good luck. Remember the goal is to raise a healthy, happy, good person to add to our society.